Post Op Euphoria

I didn't get much sleep.  I really didn't expect to.  Although things were so calm in our ICU room all day, I thought maybe I might be able to catch a few zzz's.  We had been in the PICU all day yesterday and we didn't see a single team of doctors.  Guess they decided 4:00 and 6:00 AM were great times to pop in to talk with me and the nurse.  And then all parents have to leave the PICU from 7:00-8:00 AM and PM for the shift change.  Normally I'm sick to my stomach when we have to leave the PICU, even just for an hour.  Not this time.  I knew Jayson would be just fine.

Jayson had a pretty good night.  He slept through most of the night, with some occassional whining and fussing when meds were due.  He had his last dose of morphine and zofran an midnight.  It has just been lortab and motrin since that time to control the pain.  The teams of doctors cleared Jayson to leave the PICU and go to the floor.  His arterial line was taken out.  This was the first time he's had one of those.  It's like an iv but used to get a constant blood pressure reading.  It was placed in the artery in his wrist/arm.  He had two other ivs in his feet that we were leaving in for medication purposes.  We packed up and moved down the hall to the neurotrauma unit.  We have not ever been in this area of the hospital before.  Our room was private with a bigger fold-out bed in a decent sized room.  It was comfortable.  They offer snacks and drinks on this floor to parents, and there are children of all ages.  This floor is a little sad too.  Many kids I've seen are disabled.  Kids in this unit have brain issues and other serious traumas.  

Jayson woke up just before we moved to the neurotrauma unit.  He was trying so hard to open his eyes, but they were so swollen he couldn't.  He tried to peek out the bottom of his eyelids to see his mommy and smile.  I got his first smile in the PICU this morning!!!  He stayed awake as we got settled in our new room.  He wanted to play!!!  He was kicking, giggling, smiling and playing.  I could not believe it!  I thought today he was going to be in a lot of pain.  I thought it would be days before I saw his cute smile again.  This was so much more than I expected.  He got tired quickly, but after a short nap he was ready to play again!  It was such a wonderful afternoon.  They took his ivs out and we focused on getting him off medications that would keep him here in the hospital.  He didn't show any obvious signs of pain at all today.  Not at all.  He kept rubbing his eyes, which is often a sign of pain, but he wasn's whining or complaining.  I think his eyes were bugging him because he couldn't open them.  By this evening, he was able to open his eyes and was having a great time keeping himself entertained and babbling to his mommy.  

He has wanted to be held so badly.  Can I tell you how difficult it is to have your tiny baby have brain surgery, and all you want to do is cuddle them, kiss them all over, and tell them it will be okay, but you can't!  It would hurt him too badly at this point to hold him.  He can't hold his head up right now, so I would have to support it right where his incision is.  I also am constantly wearing a mask around him.  Mike is getting a cold and there is so much illness in the hospital.  I'm wearing a mask to protect me from illness that would then pass to Jayson and I'm also wearing it in case I'm carrying an illness.  I can't imagine anything worse than catching a bad illness while trying to recover from brain surgery.  He just can't!  So I kiss him through my mask, and hug his little body in the hospital crib.  He keeps reaching for me, pulling on my shirt and hair and grunting like he's trying to pull himself up into my arms.  It breaks my heart.  Maybe I will try to hold him tomorrow.

I feel like I'm living a dream.  I've been so used to crisis, emergencies, complications, concerns and problems that I can't believe things are going so smoothly right now.  It doesn't seem real.  My heart is so happy, like so incredibly happy.  I was just laying down for a nap today when I started analyzing my feelings.  I recognized this euphoric feeling of happiness.  I have felt this feeling before, even more strongly.  I recalled when I was this happy, and the simile hit me hard.  I felt complete eupohoria when Jayson was first born.  That was the happiest moment of my entire life.  In an instant I felt love stronger for someone than I had ever felt.  I felt excitement for what our future family had in store, the things we would do, and the memories we could make.  I visualized the milestones my baby would make and how I would cheer him on.  I remember feeling complete, after nine months of anxiety and anticipation, the moment I had waited for was finally here.  All of these were great thoughts and feelings on that beautiful December afternoon when Jayson was born.  I felt many of these feelings and emotions again today.  I had simliar thoughts this afternoon.  This is one of the happiest moments of my life.  My little hero made it through a tough, risky surgery and it is going to help him greatly.  I would have lost my son had he not had this surgery, and now I feel he will be okay.  Throughout this surgery, I have felt such strong love for my baby.  Pure love.  Motherly love.  Eternal love.  A stronger love than I have ever felt.  I feel excitement for what our family has in store.  There will be many more things we can do, and many memories to be made.  I am thinking about the potential milestones Jayson might be able to meet now that he's had this surgery.  I don't expect them, but I am hopeful.  Before, I was hesitant to even hope.  Now I'm excited to see what he will do tomorrow, next week, next month.  He is going to do amazing things.  I was robbed of the experiences of watching your baby meet key milestones, and now I have hope that I will be a part of some of those!  I have a feeling of being complete.  After nearly a year of axiety, anticipation that things might be better, fear, and the constant feeling that I was missing something, I feel complete and at peace.  We found the big issue for Jayson.  We have fixed it.  All of the waiting, hoping and praying has led us to this moment.  This complete feeling of euphoria.  Giving birth is also a very sacred and spiritual experience.  I have had similar feelings over the past couple of days.  We have had so many prayers said on our behalf.  So many friends, family members and strangers joined together for a sacred fast.  We have felt the spirit so strongly the last couple of days, just as I did when my precious boy was born.  

Yesterday was the start of a new beginning, a rebirth for Jayson and our family.  We are hoping that this next year with Jayson provides us with many experiences we have missed over the past year.  We feel so blessed and fortunate to be able to take our baby home this week, cuddle him, care for him, and revel in the euphoric feeling of rebirth as we enjoy this precious time with our family.  This experience has healed Jayson's head and healed my heart.  I've been tough, but it was beginning to break.  A mom can only take so much and watch her son suffer through so many things before her heart shatters.  Right now, my heart is complete.  It's full.  It's bursting.  It's exploding with joy and gratitude.  I recognize how blessed we are.  I know how special it is that we have been given more time with Jayson, and another chance at life.  I am so grateful for the feeling of hope that I feel right now.  I know not all parents get that.  For that reason, I will not take it for granted.  And I will spend every day thanking my Heavenly Father for giving us more time to be a family, which is nothing short of a miracle.   Just as miraculous as the day He gave Jayson to us on this earth.    Happy rebirthday little Jayson.  January 7th will always be a day to celebrate.