It's Hard to Say Goodbye

Over the past year, I've lost somebody.  Every now and then, I think I catch a glimpse of her and I miss her.  The mourning process has been difficult, and days like today are painful.  She is gone, and she is not coming back.

Things in my world changed so quickly.  One minute I had everything-- my healthy baby, my dream job, confidence, respect, and many goals for my family and career.  The next minute my world was tumbling down around me.  My baby was in the hospital and diagnosed with a genetic syndrome, I was unable to work, and my vision for my future family and career had drastically changed, forever.  I lost all confidence as I tried to find my niche in my new medical role, professional role, and special needs mother role.  Over the past year I have been a complete flake.  I went from being dependable to undependable.  No one can count on me for anything, it seems.  We live life on a day to day basis.  As a result, I have lost a lot of respect from friends, colleagues, and supervisors.  I wish they could remember me the way I was.  I wish they could understand.  I wish those who recently met me could have known who I used to be.  I used to be someone to respect and admire.  I used to be unstoppable.  I used to be able to do anything.

I've had time to adjust to my loss of self.  It doesn't hurt as badly as it used to.  However, there are moments when it slaps me in the face-- I'm not who I used to be.  There are times where people don't respect me.  There are times when I'm treated as a flake and a failure.  It makes me miss who I used to be.  But the truth is, I wouldn't go back.

I can honestly say that I'm currently lost in my journey of self discovery.  In short, I don't really know who I am.  I am in the process of rediscovering myself, and it kind of feels good.  It's messy, confusing and complicated.  But God is molding me into the person He wants me to be.  I am letting go of control and taking advantage of every tough situation as a valuable learning opportunity.  I thought I had life all planned out for me, but God has other plans.

I think every mother goes through a phase of losing herself when she first becomes a mother.  My experience has just been a little more drastic.  I would not trade my experience for anything, even as hard as it has been.  I am so fortunate to have my son.  He is so special, so unique, so angelic.  I have the privilege to raise this special child.  He was entrusted in my care, and I don't take that lightly.  Little J teaches me lessons on a daily basis that make me a better, stronger person.  He teaches me patience, hope, trust, love, and to never ever doubt.  He teaches me about determination, perseverance and strength.  He teaches me that anything is possible.  He is the reason I am changing and becoming a better person.  Although a child-- precious, young and innocent--he is my teacher.  I feel so blessed to be his mommy and to learn from his gifts.

So although I sometimes miss and mourn the person I used to be, I do not look back or regret this journey that is making me into the person I am to become.  I am strong.  I am hopeful.  I love deeply.  I am Jayson's mom.  I am me and I'm learning to love that fact.