My Unique Path

Today is a hard day, an emotional day, a sad day.  Sometimes I just can't shake the pain I feel in my heart, and it consumes me for a moment.  Sometimes I can't keep up the strong, superwoman, momma bear persona for too long, until I have to break down.  Sometimes I can only keep a smile on my face and watch everyone else around me live their happy little lives with their happy little typical families for so long until reality hits me in the face and reminds me that my family is anything but typical.  Sometimes I need to let myself mourn.  Yes, I'm still in mourning, but just like any other mourning cycle, time has helped me adjust to my reality.  My life is very different than I hoped, expected, and worked so hard for.  It isn't less than.  It isn't awful.  It is hard, and on days like today, it is sad because It is different.  And sometimes I need to just let myself mourn the life I hoped that I would have.  And on days like today, my mourning is brought on by watching beautiful families around me live my dream.  I envy them so so much.  I don't know if they notice the envy in my eyes when I watch the mommy being dragged out of Sunday school because her toddler has to go pee pee in the potty.  Or if they notice the envious smile on my face as I watch a set of parents trying so desperately to divide their attention up among the newborn needing to be fed, the toddler wanting to play cars under the church pew, and the young girl wanting to play hangman.  Or if they notice the envious tears in my eyes as I watch an infant roll, coo, bear weight on its legs or make eye contact.  The simple tasks these people so easily dismiss and take for granted comprise the dream of the life I hoped for.

I mean it when I say I wouldn't change a thing.  I love my son, more than I ever thought it was possible for a mother to love a child.  He is absolutely perfect;  he was given to me and Mike to teach us to love, and what life is really about.  I would not change those life lessons for anything.  But these life lessons have placed us on a different path-- a Unique Path.

I spent my entire life preparing for the "traditional" path.  I did all I was told, tested well in all I was taught, and I was well prepared for the traditional path.  Instead, I was given an angel who changed everything in an instant.  Before I knew it, I was on a special path, a unique path.  I could see all of my friends on the traditional path laughing, having a good time, living the dreams we all prepared so hard for.  At first I would wave at them, and they would wave back.  But now the two paths have diverged so much that we can no longer see each other.  I sometimes sit and think of them and what they are doing with their families on the traditional path.  It makes me smile, and then it brings pain.  I cannot do the things they are doing on their traditional path.  My path is different.  I decide to focus on my path, instead of looking longingly at the traditional path.  My path is beautiful.  It is slow-paced, curvy, and sometimes bumpy, but the slow pace makes you notice all of the beauty all around!  The bumps and curves make you appreciate the level, easy ground.  There are not as many people on this unique path, but those you meet have a lot of depth to them.  They all have a story to tell about how they so desperately longed and prepared for the traditional path, and how they ended up here.  Those who have been on the unique path for a while talk so much about its beauty and how grateful they are that they came across it.  They mention its loneliness and how difficult the ground can be, but they have all learned tips about how to avoid some of the bumps or how to take them in stride.  As I stroll on this unique path, I sometimes notice another person who is broken down to the side, crying out for help.  I often witness others rush to provide aid to the one in distress.  Those on this path haul their own burdens over the bumps, around the curves, and happily take on the burdens of the one struggling.  It is phenomenal!  I saw fewer of these people on the traditional path.   I am grateful for their example, and I pledge to be more like them, once I learn to more easily carry my own burdens!  As I focus on my own unique path and less on what I'm missing on the traditional path, I find more happiness; I find more peace.  I am more focused on the joy of my unique journey.  I learn to laugh and interact with those on my path, and I learn so much from them.  I may not correspond with them often, because they are few and they are very busy, but they inspire me to be better.  Despite my attempt to solely focus on my unique journey, there are times the unique path runs parallel to the traditional path.  I once again see many people interacting, laughing and living the dream life I once had.  At other times, the two paths converge and I get a taste of what it would be like to live that traditional path life, but the paths once again diverge.  I find myself mourning and missing the traditional path all over again, and I must again readjust to my unique path with its hills, bumps and curves.  I quickly find the beauty again, but there is pain that stays in my heart for a moment.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could avoid seeing the traditional path forever, but there are things I can learn from those on the traditional path as well.  So when we converge, I try to interact and participate, but it is difficult.  It is painful.  And I wish those on the traditional path could truly understand...

This is my life.  This is how I feel.  These are the emotional cycles I experience.  They are not right.  They are not wrong.  They just are, and my feelings are real.  So today I'm going to let myself cry.  I'm going to allow myself to feel sad and look longingly at the traditional path.  I know it won't last, and tomorrow I will once again be grateful for my unique journey and all of the miracles and joy that it brings.  But on days like today, my path feels lonely and I feel poorly understood.  I feel envious and I feel angry that my path is so different. Thank you to those on the traditional path who are reading this post.  Thank you for trying to understand, and for including me when our paths converge.  it means more than you know.  And to those who are on the unique path, keep on keepin on.  You inspire me, and I love you like family.  Thank you for your endless support, encouragement and your example.  You make the rough terrain more bearable and have taught me how to love the rocks, bumps and hills as well as the level ground, miracles and beauty.  I love you all.  Thank you for being a part of my journey.