Jayson had his appointment to get his stitches removed today. I knew it was going to be awful. We have done this before, and Jayson is getting smarter. He would know what to expect. We both would. He also would be getting his synagis shots to help prevent RSV, and I was planning to request a blood draw as well. Poor Jayse Face. I woke up extremely anxious, and I had a difficult time getting anything accomplished all morning. I found myself forgetting what I was doing, pacing, wringing my hands, holding my breath. I was a mess.
We got to our appointment early. That is practically a first. We spent some time checking out the gift shop and picking up a couple of clearance steals. As Mike and I were pushing the stroller and walking towards our doctor's office, we noticed an adorable Asian baby. I couldn't help but stop and talk to this cute 4 month old little guy. His mom was so sweet and friendly. Her English was limited but we managed to communicate. Another couple walked by with their 1 year old toddler, and they stopped too. We all began talking about our little boys, baby hair, shots, baby shoes, weight gain, and stresses of being parents. It was wonderful. It was one of the few moments I have experienced where I felt like a normal mom talking about normal mom things. I cannot even describe how amazing it felt. When these ladies saw my little guy, they didn't see an oxygen cannula or wires, tubes or cables. They saw curls and a big smile.
We got in the room, and it's like Jayson knew what was coming. He started getting anxious and fussy right off the bat. Our doctor came in and counted the sutures; he wanted to make sure he got them all. The resident didn't do that the first time around. He asked me to find a comfortable position with Jayson and he started going to work. Distraction typically works well for Jayson. Last time, he did well watching his Yo Gabba Gabba video. This time, he had little interest. He knew what was happening. The doc cleaned the area and moistened the scabs to help the sutures come out. Jayson did not like this. I'm assuming it stung or he had a reaction to the cleaner. He already was incredibly upset before the doctor even got started. The doctor took his time and carefully pulled on each stitch with tweezers and carefully clipped with his scissors. Unlike the resident who hastily cut into his skin to remove the past sutures. The doc gave Jayson breaks to calm down. He rubbed Jayson's head and back, told Jayse he was sorry, and made calming noises. I already knew I loved our pediatrician, but today confirmed it. He is such a good man. Some of the sutures were really difficult. Some of the scabs wouldn't give and were covering the sutures. It took the doctor about 20-30 minutes to get them all out. For the last two, I had no choice but to hold Jayse down with a good amount of force. It was the only way. Jayse was inconsolable and there was no way he would let us near him. I felt awful. Holding your child down while he is kicking, hitting, bucking and screaming is beyond horrifying. He kept mumbling 'mama' and looking at me with this look in his eyes like he was confused. He didn't understand why I was helping the doctor hurt him. Why was I holding him down? Why wasn't I holding him while he cried? Why was I ignoring his cries and screams? It felt so wrong, and I felt like the most terrible mother on the planet. It was finally over, but neither of us felt better. Jayse kept crying and crying. He felt so betrayed, scared, and confused. I felt so guilty for betraying his trust. Minutes after the last suture was pulled, his started coughing hysterically and couldn't catch his breath. He was desatting and turning purple. He finally got a couple of breaths in to only start coughing again until he started throwing up mucous. I did that. I made him that upset. I felt awful.
Jayson finally started getting tired and began to fall asleep on my shoulder. Just as he calmed down, it was time for his synagis shots. I set him on the table and he knew something was going to happen. Again, he looked at me with those eyes. Betrayal. False sense of security. One minute I'm comforting him, and the next he's getting two HUGE needles in his legs. I couldn't grab him fast enough. I rocked him, snuggled him, kissed him all over and told him it was done. This was one of the hardest days I have been through.
We got Jayse in his carseat easily, which he typically fights. He let out a large sigh once he was strapped in. He knew he was safe in his seat and that it was really all over. We couldn't wait to get him home and love on him and spoil him with love and kisses all night. This little boy has been through so much.
After such a difficult day, I did not expect such a great turn of events. I didn't expect Jayson to even be interested in eating, but I thought I would try. I was wrong. We have been working hard on feedings for the past 3 weeks, but today was a huge break through. Normally I have to prompt him to open his mouth, and even fight him sometimes. He has also been spitting out a lot of his food while eating. Today, he anticipated the feeding. He opened his mouth wide when he saw me get a spoonful. He dove for each bite as I offered it to him. He effortlessly swallowed every bite. It was beautiful and amazing. I kept adding more and more baby food. He ate 1 1/4 jars of baby food and was begging for more. I then offered him a veggie stick. These are always difficult for him to eat, but an important part of his therapy. We are lucky to get a bite or two in. Not tonight. He ate the entire stick. He opened his mouth, closed it around the stick, sucked on it until it was moist, bit down to break off a piece, sucked on it, chewed it and swallowed it. I watched his face through this process. He was intensely focusing on every little movement of his mouth. I couldn't help but think how easy eating comes to most babies. They don't have to focus on every little step. They don't scrunch up their foreheads and close their eyes as they concentrated on eating. They don't get the biggest smile on their face because they are proud of their victory over that piece of veggie stick. How fortunate I am to be able to witness such a moment. I offered Jayson a Ritz cracker, which he is typically really fond of. Not as much tonight. He took a couple of bites and began fussing. I assumed he was getting tired so I set it down on his tray. I saw Jayson look at the Ritz cracker, reach for it and miss. He reached again, and touched it. He picked up his hand placed it on the cracker, and picked it up. I started celebrating and he attempted to throw it but it landed in his lap. My crazy toddler attempted to throw his food. I dreamed of this moment!!!! I put a puff in Jayson's mouth to see if he wanted a couple before we finished our feeding session. He accepted it so I grabbed another. He started spitting the puff out, so I set the new puff on his tray and helped the stray food back into his mouth. I looked down to pick back up his puff and it was gone. I looked around, no puff. I saw Jayson's right hand was in a fist. I wondered... did he pick it up? No way, it was way too small. Suddenly, he opened his fist and a puff fell on the floor. I started crying. What a miracle! Perhaps it was unintentional, but even so, he has never held something that small in his fist before!!! I set down a few more puffs on his tray and watched. His eyes stared right at the puffs. He lifted his hand and set it on top of the pile of puffs. He closed his hand around the puff and picked it up. I still wasn't sure it was in there... but it was! He intentionally picked something up! He intentionally picked up food! Sooooo many firsts in one night! So many miracles! After his feeding session I just sat and watched my son and let the tears stream down my cheeks. He looked so proud, and my heart has never felt so full.
I know it seems trivial. My son ate today. He picked up some food. These are giants I didn't know if my son would ever tackle. I did not have these expectations, as most parents do. He is making huge strides. He is surprising and inspiring me every single day. I am so blessed to be raising a very determined, persistent, amazing little boy. He is going to do amazing things. I always knew that, and today I was one of the days I got to witness it.
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