Before you Judge...

I am not the parent I imagined myself to be.  Before I welcomed my bundle of joy into this world, I spent many months reading a variety of parenting books teaching me the "right" ways to raise a child, from sleeping habits to baby led weaning.  I had a plan, and then I had a back up plan for just about everything.  I was going to be a good mom.

Well, all of my plans failed.  I didn't realize that sometimes the best plan is to have no plan at all.  And although I do not feel confident enough in my parenting to scream from the roof tops that I'm a good mom, my child is alive and I think that means I'm doing a good job.  Some may take that comment sarcastically, but it is really quite literal in this case.

Jayson has been doing well, as of late, and we have been taking him out and opening up our home for visitors.  It has been a fun time, and a trying time.  When we go out, we get curious and judgmental looks.  People ask questions and make statements that cause me pain.  My parenting seems to be questioned at every opportunity, and I know it is mostly out of curiosity.  So let me fill you all in, in hopes of saving other moms (particularly special needs moms) from some tough criticism and judgment.

• I did not breast feed my entire first year.  Jayson stopped eating orally at 3 months of age once we found out he was aspirating.  Between the ages of 3 and 6 months of age, I would guesstimate he spent nearly half of that time in a hospital or a doctor's office.  Have any of you women tried to pump in a hospital or doctor's office?  How about every day of your life for weeks?  Have you been successful at providing enough milk under that kind of stress?  What about with 1-2 hours of sleep?  I did, and I pumped successfully and exclusively until my little man was six months old.  At that point, I was hardly producing enough to make it worth it.  I was beyond exhausted.  Of course I wanted the best for my baby, especially my sick baby, but don't assume that my inability to breast feed the entire first year of Jayson's life was a selfish decision, or even a choice I could make.
• My child still sleeps in my room.  Yes, Jayson is still in a bassinet.  We had to upgrade to a pack-in-play style co-sleeper, but his bed is attached to mine.  No, I do not believe in attachment parenting nor did I intend to co-sleep.  But you see, my child stops breathing... frequently.  Yes, I understand that his bedroom is just next door, but in those instances seconds matter.  Unfortunately we have been in a situation, a couple of times, that required us to begin CPR on our son.  Had he been in the room next door, I don't know that he would have made it.  His needs are such that they require him right by my side, all night long.  Am I spoiling him by being right next to him at his beck and call?  Probably, but I'm also keeping him alive.
• My 17 month old still sucks on a binky.  I do not have a plan nor do I intend to wean him from his pacifier.  Sometimes a pacifier is more that what it seems.  Jayson's binky is his therapy tool.  When a baby has a feeding tube, especially a nasal feeding tube, since he was three months of age, he tends to get an oral aversion and not want anything near his mouth.  When a baby doesn't want anything near his mouth, he refuses to eat.  We have worked oh so hard to encourage Jayson to put things and keep things in his mouth, especially his binky.  We have been more fortunate than most; Jayson loves his binky.  It has preserved his suck, which is now helping him as he learns to drink from a straw and a sippy cup.  It has encouraged him to try new things in his mouth, including food.  Jayson's binky is also a distraction.  He has sensory issues and can freak out at small things and even grinds his teeth constantly.  The binky distracts him and helps him when he's having a sensory meltdown.  Lastly, Jayson's binky is his companion.  Through it all, he has had his binky.  Numerous surgeries, more than enough hospital stays, and plenty of tests.  I truthfully don't intend to take it from him any time soon.  In fact, I know many 4 and 5 year old special needs children who still suck on a binky, and I would not mind if Jayson is one of them.
• My toddler does not have a schedule.  Nope, you didn't misread that statement.  No schedule.  He wakes up when he wants, naps when he wants, plays when he wants, eats when he wants and goes to bed when he wants.  To be honest, this serves both Jayson and me.  I tried to have a schedule so so many times.  Just when I had something good going, BAM--- hospital stay.  It was all out the window.  We were back to incredibly late nights, no sleeping, sleeping all day, not eating, and no fun.  I could not handle emotionally and mentally starting over so many times.  And neither could Jayson.  He and I have both been in survival mode for so long, that it was time to just let us be.  Jayson has a "typical day" but by no means a schedule.  I don't put him down for naps, he just takes them.  He lays his tired head down, takes his binky, grabs his blankey and closes his eyes.  That easy, every day.  Same at bed time.  When he's hungry, he makes little noises and I feed him.  In between we play.  And guess what???  Life is grand!  NOT having a schedule is going just fine for us.  Jayson is doing well, I am staying sane.  So maybe a schedule isn't for everybody?  Especially not for a couple of folks living every day in survival mode.
• I keep my baby in a bubble!  Exposing my child to germs does NOT build his immune system.  I recognize that we live in a bubble all winter long.  I also acknowledge that the rest of the world doesn't.  No, it is not fun and it is not how I envisioned my first two winters with my baby boy.  But please, stop telling me that he would do better if I exposed him to more germs.  My son is exposed to an overwhelming amount of germs just by doing what we do--- living in doctor's offices and hospitals.  There is no need for me to take him gallivanting around malls, Santa Clauses, family affairs, and festivities.  And when he catches these germs, guess what?  They don't make him stronger.  They hospitalize him for weeks.  They cause permanent lung damage and contribute to his chronic lung disease.  They trigger days and days of seizures.  They have nearly killed him.  The common cold has nearly killed him.  Not all children respond the same to illness.
• Sucking a thumb in my world is not only a good thing, it's a miracle!! Not every parent thinks it is a bad thing for a child to suck on his thumb.  Not every parent says, "NO" or slaps a child's hand away when he puts his hands in his mouth.  I understand that my child is a year and a half and I could be creating bad habits by letting him suck on his fingers.  Good!!!  Those are habits I have been working hard for over the past year!!!!  Jayson has not wanted to bring his hands to his mouth at all as a baby.  So yes, I'm celebrating when he sucks his thumb instead of pulling it out.  Sometimes what seems bad for a child is actually therapeutic. 
• Crying it out is not an option.  Probably because my child can't cry.  Yup, you heard me right.  Little J cannot cry. He fusses, and I may say he is crying, but he is incapable of crying like a typical child.  It is likely part of his genetic syndrome or his laryngeal issues.  Some might think, "BONUS!  If he can't cry, then the crying it out method should be a cinch!"  Not true.  My tough little soldier has been through more in his last 17 months than most of mankind in their lifetimes.  I have not left his side through any of it.  I have always been there, through every surgery and procedure, day and night.  There have been times I thought I would pass out or vomit, but I said a prayer and stood strong next to my little warrior.  Why in the world would I turn my back on him to teach him a lesson on nap time?  Why would I throw out that confidence he has intrusted me after working so hard to earn it?  I wouldn't do that to him.  Yes, he fusses and I come.  He needs me and I pick him up.  That is how it is supposed to be.  He can count on me always, forever and ever, no matter what.

So there you go.  That is what I have learned about parenthood.  Is it endorsed in parenting books?  Not likely.  Are these ideas discussed by expecting mothers during their showers as they vocalize their parenting goals and ideals?  Probably not.  But they have been working well for me, and I'm sure I'm not alone.

So please, the next time you see a parenting choice that you question, smile instead of scowl.  Ponder instead of judge.  Question why that parenting choice works well for that parent instead of why that parent is making such a mistake.  It is possible that their nontraditional practices are an opportunity for you to witness a great parent in action.