God's Love

I feel as though have been wandering through the desert for months without a real purpose or destination.  All I know is that it is hot, windy, lonely and exhausting. And I am so incredibly thirsty.  Every day I wake to find I'm still in this barren place, wondering where I'm really going and how I'll know when I get there.  I have seem to have lost a little zest for my journey, and I'm intensely craving nourishment.  Not necessarily physical, but I desire mental, emotional and spiritual nourishment.  I have had enough sustenance to be getting by, but I have so desperately wished to have that comfort of having my canteen full.  Well today, I found the watering hole...

I don't mention God as often as I should when I describe this journey, and it's probably because my connection with Him and testimony of His love for me is very personal.  But He has been so good to my family.  I have never felt abandoned or without comfort.  Throughout Jayson's first 15 months of life, I felt such a tangible spirit of comfort and empowerment 100% of the time.  There has never in my life been such a blessing as having that constant spirit to guide, uplift, comfort and council me.  As Jayson has been improving, that spirit and feeling has become less constant.  I miss it, and it is now my responsibility to once again do the things I should to bring that spirit back into my daily life.  

There have been several times that God has sent me very special messages that have deeply touched my heart, and reminded me that he is ever mindful of me and my family.  I rarely get out and I don't often get to associate with others, including strangers.  Mike frequently makes our shopping trips, and I stay home with Jayson most of the time.  I remember in May of 2012, we had just learned Jayson was having seizures and had some complicated neurological issues.  At that time the docs were thinking cerebral palsy.  I was devastated and scared beyond belief.  I remember going into Khols to get a gift for my mother while she was in the hospital and there was a sweet, friendly boy at the register.  When I purchased the stuffed animal, he asked if it was for my child.  I told him no, it was a gift for my mother who was in the hospital.  He asked about her condition and I informed him she had just suffered a heart attack.  He then told me a very inspirational story about how he had suffered a traumatic brain injury several years ago.  Doctors said he would not walk, talk, or function again.  With a big smile on his face he said, "But look, here I am walking, talking and helping you here at Khols."  I will never forget what he told me next.  He looked me in the eyes, and I know his soul connected with mine when he said, "You know what I have learned?  You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it.  And I never let anyone tell me 'I can't'."  He had no idea about my son.  He had no idea the burden that was placed on my heart the week prior.  But he told me just what I needed to hear.  I was able to release a lot of anger that day.  I let go and recognized that I could not control a lot of what was occurring in my life at that time.  But I certainly could control how I deal with it.  I also remember thinking how proud I would be to be that boy's mother.  Yes, he was delayed.  Yes, he had special needs.  But he changed my life that day, at the Khols register.  He had a special spirit, just like my boy.  I realized that afternoon the impact my child could have on others with or without his neurological condition.  I also recognized God's hand in this miracle.  This young man was speaking to my heart.  He somehow knew my fears and that I needed comfort.  He was an instrument in God's hand that day.

There was another time I was picking up a coat for my nephew at Burlington Coat Factory.  The customers in front of me had a daughter who was wearing a helmet to help shape her head.  I made a fuss about how adorable she was, whereas I understand what a challenge things like that can be.  The cashier, a young lady, joined in and complimented this sweet baby.  Once I was her customer, she engaged in conversation with me.  She asked if I had a child with a helmet because I was so nice.  I told her no, that my son had a brain condition that required brain surgery and has other special needs.  She asked about the name of his condition and showed a lot of interest.  After a short conversation, she informed me that she suffered from a brain injury and sustained some neurological impairments.  She desires to find a career helping other kids and people with similar conditions.  She felt that the tragedy happened to her so that she might be able to connect with others and help people who have been through something similar.  She has even started a non-profit organization to support kids who suffer traumatic brain injuries... and she was maybe 22 years old!  Again, I was reminded of what a bright future Jayson has in store.  These wonderful kids surpass all odds, and they are so compassionate towards others.  They are such a blessing to those around them.  I once again felt a strong spirit confirming that this girl was sent to me to deliver a message that God was very mindful of me and remind me how special my sweet son is.

As I stated before, tonight I found the watering hole.  The well has been dried up for a while and I was starting to forget what water tasted like.  I started my own personal therapy today.  My therapist will be coming once a week, and she works for Jayson's early intervention program so she is very aware of what our circumstances are.  It was a breath of fresh air to have someone just listen to me and care.  We had a very busy day, and I guarantee that I was far too busy to be looking for a spiritual experience.  After 5 doctor and therapy appointments today, I found myself running some errands at Petsmart.  As I entered the store, I felt this very strong feeling come over me.  It tingled and spread from my head to my toes.  At first I wondered if I was getting ill because I felt so strange.  Then I had the thought, "I think this is the spirit.  I believe I'm feeling it very strong right now."  Just then a 12 year old boy appraoched me and asked, "Is he handicapped?"  Jayson was looking at the birds in a cage while sitting in his wheelchair.  "Yes, yes he is.  Did you notice his cool chair?"  The boy replied, "Yes, my sister is handicapped and she has a cool chair too.  She is very special.  I can see your boy is very special too."  This 12 year old boy and I spoke for about 20 minutes.  His love for me and my son warmed my heart.  His love and compassion for others stemmed from his love for his sister.  He was so outgoing and friendly about sharing her story.  It touched me deeply.  Jayson has touched us in a very similar way, and I love sharing his story.  One day, he may have siblings who feel and respond in the same way.  And even now, Jayson was touching other people like this little boy.  This little talkative boy was sent to me today to remind me about Jayson's journey and purpose on earth.  I walked away from that little boy with such a strong feeling of love and comfort, and it only continued to grow as I wandered through the store.  I was not expecting what God had in store for me next.

As I stood in line waiting to check out, this woman left her place in the long checkout line to approach me.  She complimented my son and then her eyes focused on me.  It is common for people to pay attention to Jayson, but this woman's focus was completely on me.  We engaged in conversation for quite some time... maybe 20 or 30 minutes. She has a ten year old daughter with special needs and she told me briefly about her story and her family. I felt as though I had known her my whole life.  She knew me-- the real me--yet she had just met me.  God sent her to me, and He told her the desires and fears in my heart, the ones I have never told anyone.  She gave me counsel about loving myself and being kind to myself.  She knows that I never think what I'm doing is enough.  She knows the time I spend in a car driving to appointments and the hours working on therapy.  She knows the discouragement of doctors' words when they predict a prognosis.  She knows the heartbreak of losing friends simply because they can't understand.  She knows the emptiness of  not being able to attend church and fill that spiritual canteen.  She knows the fear of watching a child go into surgery and the pain of watching them recover.  And she told me it is all for my good, and Jayson's good.  She told me to belief and trust in miracles and the power of the priesthood.  She reminded me that Jayson,a perfect soul, chose to come to this imperfect body.  And there were others in the pre-existence preparing him for his difficult journey, and preparing me for mine.  She told me I was entitled to special blessings of spiritual, mental and physical strength to do the things I need to do, and it was my right to ask my Heavenly Father for these things.  She reminded me that Jayson is a blessing beyond belief, and he was sent to the world to teach us all.  He may not speak, but he understands.  He knows when I speak discouraging words about the difficulty of this journey and he knows when I speak words of praise.  My new friend reminded me the importance of praise and words of love. Those will be the words he remembers.  She encouraged me to share Jayson with the world.  Although my cautious mother heart wants to shield him from the world of germs, unkindness, illness, insecurities and judgement, I should not.  Jayson was sent here on a special mission, and I should be willing to share him with the world and allow him to teach and touch all who meet him.  She shared special and sacred stories with me that she has learned on her journey.  Today, she filled my canteen.  Today, this stranger was my angel.  My testimony of my Father's love for me grew immensely today.  He is ever mindful of me and what I need.  He puts beautiful people in my path who listen to the spirit and lift mine.  I'm so grateful not only to Him but to these people who live good lives so that they might be prompted and guided by the spirit to tell me what I need to hear and to lift me when I am down.

I feel renewed.  I feel refreshed.  I feel hydrated and nourished.  Tomorrow I intend to wake and continue my journey with more purpose, conviction, positivity and happiness than I did the day before.  And that right there has been the deepest desire of my heart for quite some time.